So sometimes I really fail at being a fat activist.
In general I try to never let my own insecurities and shit get in the way when talking about the movement at large. I think it’s important to be vigilant about rejecting fat discrimination. But I have bad days - days when I’m in physical pain - days when i get nasty comments from strangers - days when i feel invisible - days when i feel too visible - days when i just want to literally fit in. And sometimes it’s not enough to just bottle those feelings up and not talk about them.
I don’t think this is exclusive to me - so how do you other fat activists handle it? Should I just keep my feelings to myself? Am I doing a disservice to the community by talking about my personal experiences?
You know what’s strange? I was writing a much, much longer post than yours last night about: how I loved fat activism, I believed so strongly in the respect, dignity, equal rights and fair treatment of fatties including myself but it was still so hard to like what I saw in the mirror. So hard to get over the long, deliberate brainwashing of my teenhood, and all the opportunities to relapse utterly. I went on like this for, like, five paragraphs. Then when I went to post it, my internet stopped working. My dad’s was fine, and the wireless box was all green-lit and dandy, and even the signal bar on my screen was full, but it was kaput. So I went to bed.
So my computer clearly thinks I shouldn’t be saying this shit, as a fat activist.
But I disagree with my computer. I think you have to be honest. There’s nothing to be gained from pretending it’s easy to get over society’s bullshit. You don’t want to diminish the sheer scale of bullshit we’re up against. And I’m sure you can logically see, like I can, that most of the time it’s not our size making our lives harder, it’s the external stuff. And painful as it is we have to ball all that up and throw it back into the fight.
There’s nothing wrong with hating being fat sometimes. I hate being fat, right now. I just have to keep in mind that what I hate about is how it makes people treat me, and that that’s not my fault, and I have to not turn it inwards - or worse, outwards onto other fat people. We’re not in the wrong. And as long as I can keep that mindset going, I can usually pull myself out of the hole of low self-esteem and accept myself again for a long while before the world brings me down again.
The main thing is that I was almost NEVER happy with my appearance before I found this movement. Never. And even if I’ve only increased that to “half of the time”, that’s the movement working its magic.
Tasha Fierce wrote a GREAT post along these lines, but I can’t find it right now. I think it’s important to discuss all the ways that we feel. Self acceptance can’t be true if we just put on a front.
That said, as I get older I find it easier to accept myself. Much of my self loathing isn’t particularly body related, however, even after putting on a lot of weight in my early 20s thanks to various things. We’ve all got different experiences and different paths and what works for me likely won’t work for either of you at all. And that’s totally cool. We’ve got to be honest about this shit.