As a teenager, usually when I was walking through the park on my way home from school, a familiar refrain would often run through my head.
“I’m going to be an actress.”
That this would happen is mystifying chiefly because I never actually wanted to be an actress. An Oscar-winning film director married to Leonardo DiCaprio, yes. A Lily Allen-style pop star who’d cheekily satirise the Grammies while holding hands with her newly-cool boyfriend, Taylor Hanson? Abso-fucking-lutely. I had more than my fair share of delusions of grandeur. But being an actress was never among them.
I mentioning this to one of my friends at the time, and she suggested that this recurring thought was more metaphorical than literal. That it wasn’t “being an actress” that interested me, per se, but what it signified.
My thesis may be ostensibly about “sex”, but it’s also partly about this cultural fiction we have around youth; this idea that the under 20s are these supremely self-confident, super-attractive, sexy, self-possessed, libidinous beings. It’s bullshit - for most people, at least. One of the things I like most about the musical Spring Awakening is how it captures the uncertainty and pure suckitude of being very young. The song ‘My Junk’ captures my later years of high school perfectly:
In the midst of this nothing, this mess of a life
Still it’s just one thing just to see you walk by
It’s almost like loving, sad as it is
It may not be cool, but it’s so where I live
…
I lie back just kicking, and lay out these scenes
I ride on the rush, all the hopes, all the dreams
I may be neglecting the things I should do
But we’ve all got our junk, and my junk is youWe cringe at the desire of the young (in particular, if not exclusively) to be famous, but I think that desire stems in part from our positioning fame as an escape, a means of elevation, a protection mechanism - even if its reality is something much more vulnerable. That’s certainly what my mantra was for me: a means to protect myself from my internal insecurities and the outside risk of derision. A fantasy of a better, future life in which nothing could hurt me.
Did anyone else entertain similarly outlandish fantasies as a teenager?
When I was younger the mantra would be “One day I’m gonna be a rock star!” I did take an interest in music (ok, well if you look at my private girls’ school pocket* you’ll see only music achievements listed!) but I’m fairly averagely talented. I can hold a tune but the quality of my voice isn’t anything special. I’ve had a decade to get used to that and I’m at peace with it now.
But I think the appeal of rock-stardom was a free pass to self expression. Rock stars can get whatever tattoos they want without familial penalty. I grew up in a very strict white middle class family, and everything was about fitting in and not looking as if you’re out of place. All I ever wanted to be was out of place. A rock star can walk down a street wearing whatever and people will nod and assume they’re just doing their job, but 14 year old Natalie was only permitted her natural mousey brown hair and the clothes Mum purchased for her!
Turning 18 was like crossing a threshold for me - I started dressing how I wanted and my parents couldn’t control me anymore. In the last ten years I realised that I can achieve the self expression I want in my styling and identity without clinging to my childish dream of being a famous singer. I just simply put it out there and while it takes some people a little bit to get used to what I’ve done, it sets a precedent for the future.
I wrote in an earlier post that my perfect age was 30 or thereabouts, and I think now that I’ve divulged my strict child/ teen-hood it might make more sense! Being an adult is fraught with problems, but for me it’s like a playground. I love my parents and appreciate all the things they’ve given me, but I was not a child who responded well to authoritarian parenting. It’s taken me a whole ten years to de-program myself!
* I don’t know if many people will get the blazer pocket thing… It’s just literally a pocket where all your achievements are embroidered. So when you walk around school, the other kids can be suitably intimidated/ impressed.