On a whim I applied for a NOLOSE scholarship, thinking that I might have a bit of money to fly overseas (yeh even though I don’t have a passport) for it and meet all the incredible people I know will be attending. I am not the kind of person who makes plans, and in fact I’ve been really bloody sick for the last few months so focusing on small objectives has been taking up most of my time. It turns out I was granted a scholarship today and now I’m freaking out.
What do I do? Nick and I can’t really make it through this week much less book tickets overseas. I can’t even deal with cooking meals let alone organising a passport and booking flights and accommodation. I’m in a pickle. Normal Natalie would turn the scholarship down and pass it on to someone who could actually get to NOLOSE, but for once I want to be the person who does something amazing and beats odds to do it. I’ve always passed up opportunities because of my anxiety, and I beat myself up because I’m not awesome enough to overcome it. Of course it’s not as simple as being awesome.
Should I do fundraising? A huge part of me doesn’t want to because I’ve already done fundraising for the Australian fat studies conference. I don’t like asking things from people. I don’t know what to do. Practically, life is very confusing and hard thanks to my current collection of illnesses… would I be making life even more stressful by planning to go overseas… by myself?!