[IMAGE: Four panels, one with smiling person holding door for unsmiling person, one with unsmiling person going through door, one with door holder standing alone, making rage face, one with close-up of rage face and text: “You’re fucking welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Source: ryanselvy.tumblr.com]
HAVE YOU NO DECENCY TO SAY “THANK YOU!?”
I will admit to saying/yelling YOU’RE WELCOME unnecessarily loud when someone doesn’t say thanks.
For REalz!
It makes my blood boil when people can’t give a simple “Thanks” when someone is kind to them.
While it feels wonderful to have thoughtful actions acknowledged, I am not holding a door for someone so they feel beholden to thank me.
I am holding a door because they are carrying a lot of shit or because I got there first or any number of situations that make me think it might be helpful to hold the door. I am holding the door because it is something I can do.
I do not require cookies for door holding - or even courtesy in return. I have no idea what is goibg on with that other person and if they don’t acknowledge me, well, does that devalue my action in some way? Of course not.
I estimate that about 65% of the doors that are held open for me are done so at what I consider an unreasonable advance of time—that is, people are REALLY far ahead of me, decide to hold the door, and then it’s like I’m required to hurry the fuck up so as not to keep them waiting. At these times, I am almost never holding anything, and I resent the person who is making my day more stressful instead of just letting me proceed at my own pace!
This highlights a larger issue: frequently, people think they know what is best for others, and get mad if that assumption is not explicitly endorsed. Well, sometimes you don’t know—sometimes you are actively wrong. And other people are not obligated to exert themselves to make you feel good about yourself when you have already made their day more annoying.
This actually reminds me of an article that I read years ago about the “emotion work” of wheelchair users, often focused on interactions like this, where they are constantly having to affirm abled strangers for unsolicited and often actively unwanted “assistance,” because failure to do so may result in some unknown future situation in which assistance is needed but unavailable because people have decided they’re too grumpy.
The “Golden Rule” is actually not that great a guide. Just because you (imagine you) would like someone to do something for you doesn’t mean that’s what everyone else in the world wants, too.
Reblogging for The Rotund, who mentioned that it would be a good thing for people to read! Uhm, I also want to add, as unpopular as this may make me, that some people do not want doors held open for them. I see this especially with visibly disabled folks, where someone will do something like DASH IN FRONT OF THEM to hold open the door and expects a prize for it, which is dangerous, and also patronising.
If I want to hold a door open for someone because I’m a little ahead or the person is heavily laden with things or is using a wheelchair and I can’t see a door opener? I say ‘pardon me, would you like me to hold the door for you?’ And if they say ‘yes please’ why, by gum, I hold the door open. And if they say ‘no thanks, I’ve got it,’ then, by gum, I don’t hold the door open.
All of the commentary.
When I have the mental fortitude to go out, most of the time I prefer not to be acknowledged by others. Sounds weird, but this is my life. It doesn’t stop me from saying thank you when people do unsolicited nice things though, don’t worry thank-you-cravers! I also say sorry a lot, even when things aren’t my fault.
I hold doors open too and prefer not to be thanked or looked in the eye. Social etiquette can’t be boiled down to simple rules. People aren’t simple!