Warning for depression/ suicide talk.
For the last few weeks I’ve been feeling increasingly worse inside my head. I have been thinking about suicide. It’s not the first time and I guess it won’t be the last time. This is with me for life.
In the last week I have been having more and more break downs and yesterday I told Nick how I thought it’d be easier on everyone if I ended my life. He is really worried. Wants to call my Mum and get her to come over and look after me but I don’t want to do that because our house is a mess. I have not been looking after it very well. It distresses me to think about her response to my inability to clean up because she has always stressed the importance of a clean house. Nick didn’t call her and I’m glad but I had to agree to him calling the doctor and making an appointment for today.
So I’m going to the doctor this afternoon… the last time I saw someone and told them I had been having suicidal thoughts I was put in hospital. I don’t think that will happen this time because I have a good support person in Nick but I depend on him a lot. He’s had to tell his work about this situation with me and is working from home to look after me. To keep an eye on me. It sort of contributes to my feelings of being a burden but he insists.
I feel like a failure a lot of the time. My self worth is very low and because of various things that have happened in my life I feel all the time that I am broken. So many nice people say nice things about me and while I appreciate it, these things don’t seem to sink in. Do they sink in for other people? I definitely have a lot of internalised ableism and hate. It’s a fight to keep thinking that I am a valid human being.
So yeah. This is what’s happening. Going to the GP and then the psychiatrist this afternoon. Part of me doesn’t want to tell anyone but another part of me wants to tell you all how I’m not well. I want to stop feeling this additional layer of shame about being mentally ill.