As the offishul ditch squatter of the third worlds, I have decided to devise the How Racist Was It *Really* Test that you can take and decide how offensive you are and how much more you can be without intending to offend anyone. Also, I really do *understand* how *hard* it is to be the ‘right’ amount of racist — you know, do it before it fades out of fashion — so just follow these steps!
1. You can *never* be racist to native peeps by calling their dress shoes tongue underpants hair face ‘weird’ or ‘freaky’. These are two words you can instantly take back and say BUT YOU SEE I INTENDED NO HARM!
2. Racism obviously has degrees and levels. Use this handy guide to categorise pain, humiliation and fear as pantlessly as possible! WHEE!!!
- It’s a little racist if the action is verbal and ‘not real’.
- It’s a little less racist if the action was done behind the person’s back.
- It’s little to not at all racist if action was done on the interwebes because errything on the interwebes is ‘not real’, no?
3. If you are a marginalised person in any way — queer, woman, disabled etc — use it to warrant how you can never be racist to anyone! Because you are marginalised, you cannot go on to marginalise anyone! Repeat this to self till you can pantlessly repeat it to peeps you are not intending to offend but if they get offended anyway; this way they will be confused and apologise to you for getting run over by you!
4. You can drop your percentage of racism by saying my friend of “x” race said “this is not offensive”, that you obviously do know. But don’t just stop there at using your friend — if they even exist — pantlessly, point out how said friend does reverse-racist things all the time, so then what *you* did was a ‘cultural exchange’.
5. Ekschully, if the person isn’t *dead* or has any *visible* marks, whatever you did wasn’t *really* racist. It maybe ‘offensive’, but remember it’s racist only if they can photograph and take pictures of it and then preserve it!
I’m sure you will be more creative, so go on, make your own rules and get back to me to get the ‘but a dusty lady said so this isn’t racist’ stamp at 555-Go fuck yourself.
oh, and remember dat even photographs are taken out of context by “oversensitive” peeps and dat dey just don’t understand what was really going on…
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How Racist Was It *Really* Test!
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