There is a thick cloud-cover today, and the harsh lighting is harsh. Despite that, Miss TheRotund’s outfit is still excellent.
Fa(t)shion February the 23rd!
I’ve historically been total pants at documenting my outfits. Part of it is an instinct to shy away from perceived vanity - it seems somehow unseemly to think enough of myself to post what I wear every day as though what I wear every day and how I wear it is of interest. But then I start the same old argument with myself about visibility and keep trying to do it.
Having nothing2c be willing to talk outfit photos has also made a huge difference - it’s a straight forward process. It feels a lot more disruptive when I get my husband to help take photos - we have to go outside or find a spot in the house and then we go through several shots until I find one that doesn’t involve me in the middle of some sort of awful expression. I look ridamndiculous in most photos, I have to say.
But as much as I struggle with feeling vain, there is undeniable value in this process as well - and I mean that on a personal level. Because mirrors only provide one perspective. And, too, if you aren’t looking in the mirror all that often (which is so common for fat women - many of whom do not own full length mirrors), there’s no way to know what your body actually looks like to others. We start to think we look the way we feel - and the way we feel is determined by the endless societal messages that get piled on us day after day about how disgusting we are. Then we wind up with this totally dysmorphic mental image of ourselves.
Documenting what I look like on a daily basis not only normalizes fat bodies for other viewers, it does the same for me regarding my own body. This is what my body looks like. That’s a good thing to know. This is what my body looks like in certain clothes. Clothes that look way different in the mirror at home. Clothes that look different when my husband takes a photo from his eye level versus my eye level versus crouching below. In this way, I learn my body from an outside perspective.
One of the features of my particular crazy combined with some stuff that happened when I was a kid is that I tend to doubt my own perceptions to an unusual degree. I will sanity check with people - friends that I trust - to make sure I am not overreacting to things sometimes or just to make sure I am interpretting things correctly. I’ve started to think of these daily photos as a sort of sanity check for my body.
When I look back on pictures over the years, particularly at the few existing photos from when I was the smallest I ever was as an adult (a 14/16), which coincided with the time I hated my body the most, what strikes me is that I look awesome. Temporal distance makes me less intensely critical about facial expressions and hairs out of place and clothes sitting strangely. I’ve gotten better about applying that to recent photos, too. And even when I’m not certain and sure about a photo, I send it out into the world because, hey, there is no law that says only “good” photos of me should exist. Those photos represent my body, too.
- Grey dress: Avenue 22/24 ($10 on clearance, y’all - they’re doing 50% off the lowest marked price at the moment)
- Tights: Avenue E (I’m 5’4” and these are BARELY long enough for me; if you are taller, you might want to give these a big ol’ miss. Also, they are super delicate. There’s already a hole in the thigh from my dog this morning. I bought two pairs (2/$12) but still.)
- Shoes: Fluevog Zazas 7.5
- MAC makeup, random jewelry, etc.
It’s possible I’m going to have my desk moved from where I sit now (in what is admitedly a really slack area of the company) to a more corporate section. These little grey dresses might very well become my go-to work wardrobe. There’s that playing dress up with class and corporate culture again!
Also: Dear self, stop pulling your hair back like that. You should have taken the time to straighten your bangs, lady. Love, Me.
#deathfatties #fatshionfebruary
I love
- you
- your brain
- your post
- your dress