I internalized all that shit. That girls aren’t supposed to have a lot of sex. Every time someone calls me a slut or a whore it’s like getting kicked in the face.
I still constantly question why I have so much sex, often asking myself through internalized sexism if I’m just emotionally damaged and fucking the pain away.
I attack the way I dress and a lot of times I dress feminine around people cuz I just don’t want to be judged. You know what kept me from dressing femininely before I transitioned? My dissonant hate for my body did. A lot of feminine clothing is also revealing and tight and I didn’t wanna see my disgusting form.
The size of my breasts? Not a dissonance thing. My self esteem is hurt by them cuz I feel like I’m too small to be attractive. Oh did I mention that I can’t stop thinking about whether I’m attractive and pulling self esteem from it, cuz that shit got forced into my head like it did to so many cis girls? That this applied before I even realized I was trans?
Did I mention I often felt pressure to be submissive to others, to apologize all the time, to back off and not hold strong opinions, even before transition cuz of that subconscious association between me and other women and the internalization of those messages? That all my role models were women, never men, never nonbinaries, even when I thought I was bigender and thought I was a guy?
Socialized as male my fucking ass. You people have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.
Not that this is surprising. No one actually listens to the erased segments of the trans community that experienced things differently than how the cis feminists theorize. Or how the trans feminists who did experience male privilege theorize.
Our experiences don’t matter, all that matters is the theory.
It’s groce and it hurts people like me. Denies us resources we need just as much as cis girls to deal with the same fucking damage done to us by a misogynistic world.
It scares me when I catch myself thinking seriously internalised misogynistic thoughts. It scares me more how often fat-hate seeps into my brain. The internalisation is where they get you. I think that’s why it’s so important we as a community all validate and are positive about each others choices, lifestyles, etc. (the non-hurtful ones) so that we can keep repeating “this is ok, you’re ok” enough times until we all genuinely believe it.
P.S. I think you have cracking tits Kinsey :P
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No seriously, I know I seem unapologetic, but I hide a deepset shame and self hate for like... virtually every fucking choice I make. Internalized misogyny, the kind you don't get with male privilege. The kind that sinks in from young ages.
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