I’m having a massive acne breakout on my face at the moment. I’ve always had acne ever since puberty, and it does flare up during menstruation (and them calm down), but this patch’s been around a little while.
I also have this weird compulsion to pick at my scabs - it’s soothing! I have this thing about scaly/smooth skin and I’d rather have smooth patches even if it means bleeding - which obviously isn’t really helping the acne any. But I can’t seem to stop, it’s like I have very little willpower.
I’ve never been particularly disciplined about skincare (much to the chagrin of my family) - I’d go on a routine for a while, then drop out. I’ve used Retin-A and tea tree oil and Oxy-B and various facials but nothing’s really made a noticeable difference.
I don’t actually mind my acne; it’s only annoying when it’s on a spot that hurts. But I do realise that it’s another factor piled on to all the other ones that make me “unattractive” (besides the fact that I’m brown, not particularly shapely nor skinny, have flat feet so walk funny…). Even the most progressive of model callouts want “clear skin”. Which, unless there’s such a thing as a skin transplant, is never going to happen.
(is it actually possible to do a “reset” on your skin? I’ve heard of the “clean towel on pillow” thing but it’s going to be a while before I can try that for myself)
One of the performance art mentors I work with occasionally slipped an aside about how I needed to fix my “bad skin” to be taken seriously. Comments about my skin annoy me. I’ve been hassled by my parents (especially my dad!!), random salespeople, teachers, strangers, friends about how I NEED TO FIX MY ACNE NOW ZOMGS. Never mind all the body-positivity stuff - I’ve seen stuff about fat-positive and bearded-lady-positive and hairy-body-positive but never anything about acne-positive.
What’s your feelings about acne? Is there such a thing as “bad skin”?
I’ve always had “bad skin”. It’s been the one thing that has made me feel especially “ugly”, not even my abundance of fat makes me feel ugly. And nothing works, just like in your situation. I have adhered to the oddest rituals. It’s all for naught. I’m nearly 30. I haven’t had the kind of comments you seem to have received but I just know people are thinking it. Pitying me, even.
BIG FAT EXTENDED MIDDLE FINGERS TO THEM ALL!