There’s no way I can casually tell anyone I am depressed. I don’t want a fuss and I don’t want to appear histrionic or melodramatic (hello internalised ableism!) Usually I just keep it inside but it hurts me. They say I should be able to tell people. They say I should be able to ask for help. I don’t want help. I just want to be about to say something and have it be understood. But people’s reactions usually make me uncomfortable and awkward so I don’t say anything.
But I am depressed and when I am depressed I feel particularly susceptible to messages about what my female body is supposed to look like to be worth a damn thing. In a few days I have to go to my sister’s wedding. Both my sisters are very conventionally beautiful and I am not. I have never been the beautiful girl. Even as a fat blogger, I do not have the hallmarks of a beautiful fat woman. My proportions are wrong, I’m awkward, my skin is bad, I’m around 10 years older than most everyone else. I can’t not recognise this. I can’t just pretend I am beautiful because I am not. If I have little to do with the reminders of my unacceptable looking being (ie: other people, magazines, etc) I feel good about myself, but I don’t live in a world where that is a convenient reality.
I think it’s important to be critical of the cultural messages that serve to make us feel bad about ourselves, but let’s be real… we can’t escape them completely. When I am weak I feel ugly. That’s just how it is. Maybe if I tell people how I feel I can start to release some of those feelings instead of holding on to them like they mean something?